I've been neglecting my blogs. You've noticed. It's because I haven't been able to write anything as of late that hasn't been particularly depressing in nature. I cannot express in enough detail to anyone to what extent I have been reduced to the barest of mental fatigue. It has been a lone experience even though I am surrounded by loved ones, and, assuredly, others who struggle with similar issues.
That said, I am at a breaking point and I need to make a few choices. In the darkness I've groped for things that are tangible, things truly before me, yet I cannot dismiss the nature of the soul. Hope, faith, love, dreams, heaven and hell. These are all realities of which any feeling human cannot deny. And by virtue of the reality that they mean something beyond mere mental states to be calculated, I glean a truth that they must be shadows dancing in the silver lining of our mortal minds alluding to grander realities where angels do indeed exist, and truly not in some metaphorical fashion.
I write everyday, and ceaselessly I justify in my obsession posting nothing for one damned reason or another. It isn't good enough, it isn't what I want, it is too long, it is pointless, it is over dramatic, it will worry people, it's self absorbed. All the while I suffocate. Like I said, I am about to break down. From my vantage point on this rippling neurological highway as I run on fumes I look up and see only two paths to go by. Those paths would be either life or death.
The thing about breathing is that it tricks people into thinking that you're still alive, when in reality the dead breath just as well as the living. The distinguishing difference is that the former has an abundance of purpose while the latter dwindles in ignominy.
I analyze both these paths. One has a force so powerful that it draws people into it so fluidly that nearly no one recognizes it before they are passed its event horizon--the point of no return. The other is the opposite. It ascends upward into a mountain giving its pleasure to only those who assert their own energy to seek it out.
Today, because I am compelled by the fiendish nature of depression, I recommit myself to life. The first time I did so years ago, but then, my commitment meant nothing more than merely not ending it. I wandered the halls in darkness as a ghost does at midnight rattling things once and awhile to help others realize that I still existed somehow. Now, I think it's time to turn the floodlights on. Let's see what can be done come the new year.
Changing tones, I'd like to wish everybody a Merry Christmas and a new year full of fulfilling resolutions. I have made several goals, and likewise contingency plans for when I begin to fade in my desire to accomplish them. These goals are meticulously designed to turn my weaknesses into strengths, to accomplish personal achievements, and they take into consideration the effects of rising from the dust, if you will, which can be many and varied.
We are inundated with choices to make every single day. But at the end of it, big or small, the choices we make promote one of two things: life or death. I'd like to encourage everyone who is reading this to choose life, and to make goals for 2016. Not just any goals, but ones that align with your deepest most heartfelt desires. And as we all know very well, too often we give up on accomplishing them, so before you lose desire, have a plan in mind to counter that inevitable darkness, because it is there. Many of us might already be in it and not even know it. But like I said, let's turn the floodlights on!
I wish the best to all of you. You've stolen my heart. You all know who you are. For me, I will be back soon, as the new year approaches. I want to document in a similar fashion as I did my 50 states trip the progress of a few of my goals.
Now, study the ants and change the world.