I spent about an hour in a very interesting library today. The Haskel Free Library and Opera House sits directly on the border of The United States, Vermont, and Canada. You could freely cross from one side to the other as you searched out the books you'd like to read. As I typically do in libraries, I found my way to the religious material where bibles of all variety sat. I found amidst them a Book of Mormon and then found a place on the Canadian side to sit. I read the first chapter, 1 Nephi 1, a chapter I've read probably a hundred times more than the last, Moroni 10.
Now, I'm only writing this because I promised, on the outset of this journey, that I would do my best to document my travels and also to post to a blog the most significant events along the way. It just so turns out that no matter what wonders of the world I behold, I am, curiously, most interested in the wonders that reside beyond this world. So, fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, depending upon who you are, this blog is tending to become saturated with points of theology and personal testimony of yours truly.
In regards to why I promised myself that I would post everyday to a travel log for others to read, and why that is significant, I'd let you, my readers on to something. I knew there would come a time on this trip when I would want to scrap this whole project and delete all of my entries. Why would I do this you ask? Well, I'll tell you, but while I do, I have to share with you some other things. Here we go.
I'd like to address something of utmost importance. I want to try to explain my thoughts on a topic that is continually on my mind. That is, in ultimate respects, what the nature of God is contrasted with the nature of man. Also, how a person can know anything at all and how a man can share that knowledge with others if it is indeed once obtained.
To ease any concerned souls out there, and before I say anything more I want to make it vividly clear that the LDS faith is my faith. I would be damned if I were to deny the heat of the fires that have blazed in my heart or the imagery that has so thoroughly impressed itself upon my mind over the years pertaining to the LDS doctrine. Suffice it to say, I don't much like being damned.
This testimony though, is by no means any reason to let inquiry into deeper understanding be stifled concerning the more perplexing issues facing the church. In fact, it should be grounds enough to endeavor to seek out more thoroughly answers to the problems at hand. A problem that I see, and one that concerns me greatly is that, though I believe that things are indeed in an eternal perspective black and white, clean cut, and definitive, where we are now, living in a world swayed by two second sound bites, one liners, and catchy memes propagating through social media faster than even the controversies themselves develop, I'd say that no topic is so easily labeled black or white.
Certainly God can reveal the truth to any individual He deems fit in a moment. But if I understand a certain principle correctly, we, ourselves can usher in divine revelation and even the knowledge of God through prayer, study, and diligent searching which I would contrast with the other means of finding truth through the short lived quips abundant online. Faith certainly is a vital attribute to utilize when desiring to come to a knowledge of the things of God. However, and this point I will fight for to my dying day, is that the moment a person becomes complacent in his faith regardless of denomination or other system of belief whatsoever, or that is to say, his "faith" has led him to stop searching, than he may as well be damned.
It is here, at this crossroads that I feel I have raised some concerned eyebrows. And this breaks my heart a little. Yes, I do admit openly that I, more often than not feel lost. This is no new thing. Even in the walls of the church, the temples, even in fervent prayer often times I feel like I don't have any purpose. There are answer that come to me, and there are moments where I am overcome with peace and brilliant wonder as I ponder upon the mind of God, but all in all, I, on a daily basis am greatly depressed.
The question as to why a person should feel so depressed if he is actually in the right faith or religion, to me needs not to be addressed since it shouldn't be assumed that the truth makes everything always honky-dory. In fact, I'd actually assume just the opposite.
It is right now at this moment that I wish to stop posting to this blog and delete all of my previous posts. But I am not going to. I am going to finish this project and I am going to write what I may. But why should I even think about abandoning this project in the first place?
There are times when I am overcome with the desire to retreat, to emerge myself into a lone darkness where I don't have to see anybody, or anything. And it's not enough for myself to retreat physically. I don't want anyone to ever see what I've done, what I've written, what I've accomplished or what I haven't. I do this because no matter what I've done, good or bad, there is always opposition. I don't have trouble with that. Opposition is inevitable. I am troubled by the fact that I, in my position as someone who recognizes in myself the ability to persuade people one way or the other, might be opposing in some regard, in some way what is actually true without even knowing it. And in this place where everyone seems to know so much more than I, I feel great anxiety about anything that I have shared with the world. Often I worry about what I have said. Words tend to stick around, especially when posted once to the Internet. This is why it is of great concern to me to understand how I know what it is that I profess to know. A "feeling" seems to be the most common descriptive word to illustrate ones knowledge of the divine. But I don't need to tell you that feelings can often mislead. And the fact that there are people who feel strongly that the church is true as well as people who feel strongly that it isn't, perplexes me. Is one feeling inspired when the other is not? And if this is so, then what is the distinction? There certainly should be one that is recognizable. And if this is the case than why does everyone not recognize it? This burdens me.
Other than the beautiful people in my life, there are two things that give me cause to rise out of this depression, to press forward. One is that I can engage freely in the pursuit of knowledge, and the other is my relationship with Heavenly Father.
And sadly it's these two things, not per se in my own consciousness, but how I perceive them to be understood by the world around me that appear to be at odds with one another. I want to know, I want to absolutely know, intimately my faith. That knowledge doesn't end for me at the niceties offered in Sunday School. I make no argument against the innocent and wonderful testimonies of the blooming spirit, the developing fervor of those first seeking out the truth. To me, the testimony of the child is perhaps the most sincere, the most sacred. The knowledge of the Atonement in a repentant soul needs not to account for and reconcile the rolodex of controversial issues pertaining to the faith. That said, those rolodexes do exist. And not only do they, but the contents of them are often times great stumbling blocks for many people.
We can draw some pictures in the sand here. 1. We can rely on our faith to justify, how I would almost see it as ignoring those controversies, since they don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, because the church is true, regardless. The problem with this mindset is that it causes the appearance to others who have investigated these issues more thoroughly that we are really just blind sheep choosing not to deal with the harsher realities of our chosen faith. This inspires little the confidence of the skeptic. Or 2. We can search these things out for ourselves and be knowledgeable about them just as we are encouraged to learn about other things in the world. Certainly we are encouraged to learn! But perhaps there is a problem with this as well. It might encourage fact wars within the faith. We might be tempted to prove with facts that our religion is more correct than another. Certainly we are discouraged from doing that.
I bring this up to point one thing out. It frustrates me to see this happen. And it happens all the time. Often times we discredit, refute, and refuse to acknowledge points of fact or evidences that appear to go contrary to our dearly held beliefs, but as soon as there is a single shred of evidence pointing to what we believe, we laud it from the roof tops! Do you believe in evidence, or do you believe in your paradigm. Why should a person make a show of a piece of evidence suggesting that their idea is correct while downplaying other pieces of evidence to the contrary unless that person had a perhaps, less than genuine agenda? Shouldn't the truth be the primary goal?
Do you believe that it's possible to behold greater things if we broaden our horizons and try to more thoroughly incorporate the ideas that have lighted upon the minds of others that perhaps aren't the same lightenings that have rested upon yours?
But what of the doctrine of Christ? Is a person to denounce it, or their interpretation of it over circumstantial evidence? Of course not. I'd add however, that there are plenty of entrenched dogmas out there that plenty of people would substitute for the doctrine of Christ.
You know, no matter how I cut it, I can't get over the Book of Mormon. It is an astounding piece of literature. I know that I use the word beautiful too often, but that is what it is, pure and simple. And I wish that I could think about this post more before I post it, but my phone is dying, and it is late. Suffice it to say, I cannot say anything beyond that of the impressive last words writing by Moroni. The whole chapter seems to sparkle with magnificence. It is remarkable what we can understand because surely
...by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things.
Moroni 10:5
It is late, and I am here in the backseat of my car ready for sleep. Goodnight. And God bless.